Autobots and the Holy Grail
by TF crossover fan
Summary: The cast of Transformers Prime partake in a parody of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Hilarity ensues!
1. Coconuts

Chapter 1

The sound of hooves clopping came out from a misty fog in medieval times Europe. Or modern times, whatever. Continuity barely matters here. Out from the fog emerged not a knight or lord on horseback, but Optimus Prime, proud leader of the Autobots, pretending to ride a horse much like how a child would. Behind him was his faithful squire, Bumblebee, who was hitting two halves of a giant coconut together in a fashion so as to mimic the sound of a horse's hooves. The two had set out several months ago from the human castle Camelot to find fellow Autobots to join them in their court of Camelot. As the two came over a hill, Optimus saw a large structure not far off. Optimus signaled Bumblebee to stop and arched back a bit as if pulling on the reins of his "horse".

"Whoa there!" he cried out. As Optimus observed the structure, the fog cleared a little, revealing it to be a castle. Optimus and Bumblebee proceeded towards it. As they neared one of the walls, a voice from above called out to them.

"Halt! Who goes there?"

The two looked up to see that they had been spotted by a Vehicon guard.

"It is I, Optimus Prime from the castle of Camelot. Leader of the Autobots."

"Who's the other one?" the guard asked.

"This is my trusty servant and soldier, Bumblebee. We have searched this land for fellow Cybertronians to join us in our court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master."

"Wait on a hold…"

"Yes?"

"You're using coconuts!"

"What?"

"You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging 'em together!"

"So? We have ridden since last winter. Through the kingdoms of Hasbroia and-"

"Where'd ya get the coconuts?"

"…We found them."

"Found them? In Hasbroia? The coconut's tropical!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well this _is_ a temperate zone."

"Well the Seeker may fly south to search out warmer climate. Perhaps it carried some coconuts here."

"Alright, but how mature is your coconut?"

"Huh?"

"How _mature_ is your coconut?"

"Um, barely older than a seedling?"

"What? And that's the _giant_ variety? No way a Seeker could carry a single one of those they're huge!"

A second Vehicon guard entered the conversation. "Well what about a giant- sized Seeker, hm?"

"Oh sure a giant Seeker maybe but not a regular one, that's the point I'm trying to make.

Optimus had enough of this pointless gibberish. "Alright, will you please already go and tell your master we seek an audience?"

"But suppose two Seekers carried it at the same time?"

"Will you PLEASE go and tell your master already?"

"But how would a giant coconut even grow in this climate?"

Optimus and Bumblebee gave up. They left the two Vehicons to their conversation and ultimately left the castle. As they epically traversed the landscape, they passed through a crappy little village collecting its dead, strode over green grassy hills, and Optimus almost got into a fight with a liberal hipster who like every other peasant in the field at the time was making piles of mud.

Later that day, Optimus and Bumblebee were following a forest road on their "horses". But as they went further down the path, they began to hear noises. The sounds of metal clanging and warriors yelling filled the forest. Eventually they found the source, and were rather taken aback. Soundwave and Skyquake were dualing, trading blows with their swords and knocking each other around. After about a minute more of dualing, Skyquake charged Soundwave. Soundwave leveled his sword and threw it at Skyquake. The blade went right in between Skyquake's eyes. Energon spurted all over Skyquake's face, and he fell to the ground, dead. Soundwave casually walked over to the dead warrior, grabbed the hilt of his sword, and crudely pulled the sword out from Skyquake's head in a sideways motion. Bumblebee seemed very frightened by what just happened but Optimus simply "rode" up to Soundwave, thinking he could recruit him. Soundwave had taken a stance blocking the small bridge to the path, stern and still.

"You fight with the strength of many mechs sir knight!" Optimus said.

Soundwave did not respond or so much as move. Optimus took a backwards glance at Bumblebee, who shrugged his shoulders.

"I am Optimus Prime, leader of the Cybertronians."

Soundwave remained silent.

"I am searching for the greatest knights of this land to join my court of Camelot, and you have proven yourself worthy. Will you join me?"

Soundwave still remained silent.

"You make me sad," said Optimus, "So be it! Come, Bumblebee!" Before Optimus could take a step, Soundwave finally spoke.

"None shall pass."

"What?"

"None shall pass!"

"I have no quarrel with you good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge!"

"Then you will die."

"As Prime I command you to step aside!"

"I move… for _no Cybertronian_."

"So be it!"

Optimus and Soundwave drew their swords, and began fighting. Bumblebee ran a short ways off and hid behind a tree, watching the fight. The two parried each other's blows, until finally Optimus cut off one of Soundwave's arms.

"Now stand aside worthy adversary!" Optimus exclaimed.

Soundwave looked at his arm on the ground. "'Tis but a scratch," he casually said.

"A scratch? Your arm's off!"

"No it isn't."

"Well what's that then?"

"…I've had worse."

"You liar!"

"C'mon ya pansy!"

Optimus and a now one- armed Soundwave resumed their fight. It was only a couple parries later that Soundwave charged Optimus with his sword. Optimus simply stepped to the side, held his sword out, and Soundwave's other arm was cut off.

"Victory is mine!" Optimus said to Soundwave, who was looking at his two energon- bleeding wounds. Optimus kneeled down and began praying to Primus.

"I thank thee lord, for in thy- OW!" Soundwave had kicked Optimus to the ground from the side of his head. Optimus looked up in disbelief at his armless opponent.

"Come on then!" Soundwave said.

"What?" said a surprised Optimus.

"Have at you!"

Optimus got up. "You are indeed brave sir knight, but the fight is mine!"

"Oooh, had enough, eh?"

"Look at yourself you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!"

"Yes I have!"

"Look!"

"…Just a flesh wound!" Soundwave kicked Optimus.

"Stop that!" yelled a now angry Optimus.

"Chicken! Chicken!"

"Stop or I'll have your leg!"

Soundwave kicked Optimus. That was the last straw.

"Right!" yelled Optimus, who swung his sword out and cut off one of Soundwave's legs. Soundwave was now hopping around on one leg.

"I'll do you for that!" yelled Soundwave.

"You'll what?"

"Come here!"

"What're you gonna do, _bleed_ on me?"

"I'm invincible!" Soundwave proudly exclaimed as he began hopping up against Optimus, trying to hurt him.

"You're a loony."

"Sir Soundwave always triumphs! Have at you! Soundwave superior! Optimus Prime inferior! C'mon then!"

Optimus was done dealing with Soundwave. He cut Soundwave's last limb off, leaving him a stump with a head. Bumblebee came out from his hiding spot. Soundwave looked at his current situation, and looked up to Optimus.

"Alright, we'll call it a draw," Soundwave said.

Optimus signaled to Bumblebee. "Come Bumblebee!" Optimus and Bumblebee proceeded across the bridge and along the rest of the path, continuing to pretend that they were riding horses.

But Soundwave was still not done. "Oh I see, running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!"

Optimus and Bumblebee continued onwards, ignoring Soundwave's rant.


	2. Burn the Witch!

Chapter 2

Ratchet was standing on top of a small podium. Surrounding him was a large group of Vehicons holding Airachnid prisoner. The Vehicons assumed Airachnid to be a witch, as for what reason Ratchet asked them.

"So, what makes you think she's a witch?" Ratchet asked.

One of the Vehicons, named Steve, responded. "She turned me into an internet meme!"

"An internet meme?"

"…I got better."

The Vehicons burst out yelling. "BURN HER! BURN HER ANYWAYS! YEAH!"

A short distance away, Optimus and Bumblebee approached the scene, and watched with curiosity.

Ratchet tried to calm the Vehicons down. "Quiet, QUIET! Look, there are ways of telling whether this femme is a witch."

"Wha? How? I dunno! GARBLAGARBLABLABLA!"

"Tell me, what do you do with witches?"

"BURN! YEAH BURN! BUUUUUUUUURN!"

"And what do you burn apart from witches?"

"More witches!" cried a single, tall Vehicon. Steve, who was behind him, gave the Vehicon a small elbow to the back.

"Wood!" a small Vehicon said.

"So, why do witches burn?"

The Vehicons stopped and began thinking about the question. After about half a minute, Steve broke the silence. "Because they're made of wood?"

"Good. So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?"

"Build a bridge out of her!" the tall Vehicon said. Airachnid rolled her eyes.

"Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?"

"Oh yeah."

"Does wood sink in water?"

"No, it floats! Throw her into the pond!"

"No stop, STOP! What also floats in water?"

"…Apples! Very small rocks! Empty energon cubes! Churches! Gravy!"

"A duck!" Optimus called out.

Ratchet, Airachnid, and the Vehicons turned to Optimus and Bumblebee. "Exactly," Ratchet said, "So, logically…" Ratchet said his statement in a way that implied that the Vehicons were to finish it.

The Vehicons caught on. "So, if she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood."

"And therefore?"

"….A witch! A witch! YEAH!" As the Vehicons were cheering, one of their own stepped forward, carrying a giant transformer sized duck that seemed to come out of nowhere.

"We should use my largest scales." Ratchet hopped down from his podium and began walking away. The Vehicons followed, dragging Airachnid with them. Ratchet led them to his "largest scales"; a giant, well, weight scale. The Vehicons put Airachnid in one scale and the duck in the other.

"Alright," Ratchet yelled out, "Remove the supports!" Two Vehicons kicked out the support beams that held up the scales at the same time. The scales shifted slightly, and stopped at the same level. The Vehicons broke out in a cheer.

"Well crap," Airachnid said.

Steve and another Vehicon grabbed onto Airachnid by her arms and dragged her away. All the while the Vehicon crowd was yelling "BURN HER! YEAH BURN THE WITCH!"

After the Vehicons had left, Optimus approached Ratchet. "Who are you," Ratchet asked, "Who are so wise in the ways of science?"

"I am Optimus Prime, leader of Cybertron."

"Prime!"

"Good sir, I have traveled this land in search of worthy companions to join me at my round table. Will you join?"

"Yes sir!"

"What is your name?"

"Ratchet, sir."

And so Ratchet was the first to join Optimus Prime and Bumblebee's group, but others were soon to follow as well. They were Wheeljack, the brave. Cliffjumper, the pure. Bulkhead, the not quite so brave as Wheeljack, who had nearly fought the Dweller of the Depths, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Care Bears of Care- a- Lot, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Detroit. And of course, the aptly named Not- Appearing- In- This- Fan- Fiction. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: The Autobots of the Round Table.


End file.
